Craziest Episode of House, EVER!
by Lynandreth
Summary: House gets a hysterically injured patient, one no one can deal with or take seriously. But he ends up teaching our favorite octor a few important life lessons.
1. Craziest House Episode 1

Craziest Episode of House EVER!

I'm assuming that those reading this know something about House. However, some of you may not know about Third Rock from the Sun. A TV show that ended in 2001 that John Lithgow starred in. For those of you unfamiliar with 3rd Rock, here's a summary of the plot and the characters: John Lithgow is the High Commander of an alien mission, com to Earth to study the life forms and habits of the creatures (namely, humans) dwelling here. The High Commander has taken the name Dick Solomon and he and the rest of his team are posing as a "typical American family." Hilarity ensues as they try to be "typical" and "normal." Trust me, it's hilarious. All six seasons are out on DVD. I highly recommend watching them.

The Characters

Dick Solomon/High Commander: Pompous, arrogant, thinks he's the best thing to happen to earth since before the discovery of the wheel. (Yes, he thinks he's that great.) And he's in love with Mary Albright who, at first, can barely stand the sight of him.

Sally Solomon/Security Officer/Lieutenant: Posing as Dick's sister, they've done many missions together. She loves shoes and is a tall leggy blond who also loves a portly policeman named Don Orville.

Harry Solomon/Transmitter: Harry is the weird one of the "family." Posing as Dick's brother, he has a squinty eyed expression, which means we rarely actually see his eyes. He has a transmitter in his brain which lets the rest of them maintain contact with their superior, the "Big Giant Head."

Tommy Solomon/Information Officer: Though older than Dick, he's been put into a teenage body for this mission, complete with pimples, urges, and all. His main hope, at least for a couple seasons, is that he can see his girlfriend naked/have sex with her.

Mary Albright: Though it takes a season to wear her down, Dick finally gets her to admit to him she cares about him and soon the couple are together. She was a wild one in her younger days, sleeping with just about anything in pants and though her looks have aged, she can still turn heads when she wants to.

Don Orville: Overweight cop that Sally seems to have this strange connection with. He was her first and he's very proud of it. In actuality, he's not much of a cop, but neither Sally, nor any of the other aliens, ever realize it. She's very impressed with the uniform.

"Ow! Ow!! OW!!! Oh, my God! I must be DYING!" Dick Solomon yelled as he was wheeled in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital on the stretcher from the ambulance.

"You're not dying," Cameron tried to say calmly. "It's just a broken leg, so if you--"

"Oh, how would you know I'm not dying?! Are you a doctor? You don't even have one of those impressive white coats that all GOOD doctors do! You're just in animal print T-shirts and-and-and expensive sweat pants and SNEAKERS!" Dick yelled. "I demand to see a real doctor and I'm not leaving till I do!" In emphasis, he slammed his fist down. Unfortunately, it was onto the thigh of his broken leg. He let out another wail and then fainted.

Cameron sighed. "Well, at least he's quiet now." She told the team to set and cast the bone and then get him into a bed they could bring up to the diagnostics floor.

"Diagnostics? But why? We know his leg is broken," one tech pointed out.

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," Cameron said as she turned away. She smiled briefly, thinking this was perfect for House. One, the guy said he wanted a 'real' doctor, two, House would find his attitude and melodramatic tendencies interesting, and three . . . Well, those same melodramatic tendencies would torture House. And after his and Cameron's last meeting, Cameron felt he deserved a little torture.

"Okay . . . 13 and Foreman, go talk to this guy, find out why Cameron thinks I'd find him so 'interesting,'" House ordered.

"Why don't _you_ go talk to him, then?" Foreman asked.

House gave an indignant look. "Well, that would defeat my plan of never interacting with a patient that Cameron has recommended to me.Be like the Nike commercial. Just do it." He turned and caned out of the room. Foreman followed him after exchanging a few quick words with 13.

"What the Hell happened between you and Cameron, House? You've been avoiding her for over a week and it's gotta stop," Foreman said as he caught up to his boss.

"What avoiding her? She doesn't work for me anymore, she doesn't even work on the same floor as me, so there's no feasible reason for us to run into one another."

"Yeah, but now you're taking whatever's up between you and extending it to patients. Cameron said this guy's really upset, and--"

"And because of that, you think I'm the perfect guy to calm him down, right?" House interrupted sarcastically.

Foreman sighed. "No, but I think you should stop avoiding a patient because of who sent him to you."

"Yeah. Right. I'll consider that."

Sighing again, Foreman stopped walking and just watched House continue down the hallway.

When House knew Foreman was out of sight, he ducked into an elevator and pressed the button for the top floor. He made his way out onto the roof and shivered briefly at the brisk December air. He hadn't been out here in a long while. Not since Stacy was her, if memory served. He exhaled deeply, puffing his cheeks slightly as he did. Stacy. God in Heaven, what a mess that relationship had made of him. He couldn't even look at another female without being reminded of her. Hell, after everything she did, he didn't _want_ to look at another female in that light.

It was such a paradox. He truly believed everything he said concerning the opposite sex, relationships, and caring about others and the cold, calculated facts of each. Yet at the same time, he knew exactly how full of sht every one of those opinions was. It was a delicate balance. One he was determined to keep balanced at all costs, no matter who or how much someone tried to tip the scales in favor of caring. He refused to become attached to someone again. His heart couldn't take it. Not again. Never again.

That was why Cameron's announcement had come as such a shock.

Back when he'd first worked with her, he had to admit Wilson was largely right. He'd had feelings for Cameron. Why else would he have cared how he looked, why else would he have been nervous when she'd cornered him into that date? He'd gotten her a corsage, for Christ's sake!

What destroyed any feelings he could have developed for her, though, was when he told her he thought she was interested in him only because he was "damaged goods." He deliberately said that, to bait her in return. If she jumped to the defense and told him that wasn't the case, how she liked him for who he was, there could have been a second date, and then who knows? Perhaps history as he knew it could have been altered. But she didn't. She stayed silent, her fingertips fidgeting around anything they could; the silverware, her hair, the nails on her other hand. And so House lost any interest in her because her silence told him he was right. He was damaged, she liked fixing people, therefore she liked him.

Not a good basis for a relationship.

That was why he was glad to find out she and Chase had become involved and gotten engaged. She had someone new to focus on, since despite what she claimed to everyone, he could see she wasn't over him when she was still single.

But then, after their case with the deformed kid with Lyme's disease, Cameron had come to his apartment.

"_Cameron? What are you doing here?"_

_"I'm off the clock and I needed to speak with you. Can I come in?"_

_He limped back, but tripped over the hem of too-long pajama pants and, without the assistance of his cane, felt himself starting to fall. Cameron reached out, grabbed his arm, and helped him regain his balance._

_"Do you want to lean on me?" she asked, her fingertips still lightly grazing the inside of his elbow._

_House swallowed, trying to make awake-ness come to his limbs. "No, I'm fine. What do you want?"_

_"I--" She paused, looking at the floor. "I wanted to speak with you."_

_He limped over to the couch and sat down, gesturing that she could do the same. "So speak."_

_Cameron went to the ottoman in front of the chair and sat on it. "House, the film crew that was making the documentary about that boy . . . They asked what I thought of you."_

_"And you've come to admit you said you hated me?" he asked in a fake, whiny, 'little boy' voice._

_Cameron closed her eyes in a way that made House think she was in pain. "No. Actually, I . . . I said I loved you."_

_He looked at her in such a way that she felt the need to backpedal and explain, just as she'd tried on the video. "W-what I mean is, I love working with you. _Loved. For _you. It just slipped out as loving you, and even though I-- Well, I thought that . . . I . . ." She glanced at him and finally exclaimed, _"Say _something!"_

_"What am I supposed to say? You're engaged to another man, yet you come here, wanting to tell me . . . what exactly? That you still have feelings for me, or that you don't, but you're hoping that'll spark some interest in me?"_

_She looked into his eyes, blatant emotional pain shining through her tears. "We're not engaged anymore. I broke it off."_

_That surprised House. "I'm sorry to hear that," he answered sincerely._

_She nodded, then stood up. "I should go. I shouldn't have come here."_

_"Cameron," he called when she was about to exit his door. She turned and looked at him. "Am I still just damaged goods to you?"_

_A tear escaped down her cheek as she answered, "The only one you're damaged goods to is yourself, House."_

You incompetent FOOLS! What are you doing to my _arm?_ I'm losing all _feeling_ in it!" Dick yelled as 13 tried to explain that she just needed a blood pressure reading.

Foreman entered the room and saw exactly Cameron had sent this lunatic up here for House to deal with. What he wished she'd considered, though, was the fact that House always avoided his patients.

"This is an abomination! I'm more of a doctor than you, and I just teach physics!"

13 finally threw her hands up in the air and said to Foreman, "You're up. No job is worth this, and you're already in."

Foreman sighed, wishing he could tell her she was wrong. He looked at the raging figure on the bed and smiled ruefully. Maybe this guy could give House a run for his money. It'd be fun to watch, in any case.

Cuddy opened the door to the roof. "House, what are you doing up here? It's freezing. I've been paging you for ten minutes, you need to look in on your patient."


	2. Craziest House Episode 2

Ow! Ow!! OW!!! Oh, my God! I must be DYING!" Dick Solomon yelled as he was wheeled in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital on the stretcher from the ambulance.

"You're not dying," Cameron tried to say calmly. "It's just a broken leg, so if you--"

"Oh, how would you know I'm not dying?! Are you a doctor? You don't even have one of those impressive white coats that all GOOD doctors do! You're just in animal print T-shirts and-and-and expensive sweat pants and SNEAKERS!" Dick yelled. "I demand to see a real doctor and I'm not leaving till I do!" In emphasis, he slammed his fist down. Unfortunately, it was onto the thigh of his broken leg. He let out another wail and then fainted.

Cameron sighed. "Well, at least he's quiet now." She told the team to set and cast the bone and then get him into a bed they could bring up to the diagnostics floor.

"Diagnostics? But why? We know his leg is broken," one tech pointed out.

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," Cameron said as she turned away. She smiled briefly, thinking this was perfect for House. One, the guy said he wanted a 'real' doctor, two, House would find his attitude and melodramatic tendencies interesting, and three . . . Well, those same melodramatic tendencies would torture House. And after his and Cameron's last meeting, Cameron felt he deserved a little torture.

* * *

"Okay . . . 13 and Foreman, go talk to this guy, find out why Cameron thinks I'd find him so 'interesting,'" House ordered.

"Why don't _you_ go talk to him, then?" Foreman asked.

House gave an indignant look. "Well, that would defeat my plan of never interacting with a patient that Cameron has recommended to me.Be like the Nike commercial. Just do it." He turned and caned out of the room. Foreman followed him after exchanging a few quick words with 13.

"What the Hell happened between you and Cameron, House? You've been avoiding her for over a week and it's gotta stop," Foreman said as he caught up to his boss.

"What avoiding her? She doesn't work for me anymore, she doesn't even work on the same floor as me, so there's no feasible reason for us to run into one another."

"Yeah, but now you're taking whatever's up between you and extending it to patients. Cameron said this guy's really upset, and--"

"And because of that, you think I'm the perfect guy to calm him down, right?" House interrupted sarcastically.

Foreman sighed. "No, but I think you should stop avoiding a patient because of who sent him to you."

"Yeah. Right. I'll consider that."

Sighing again, Foreman stopped walking and just watched House continue down the hallway.

* * *

When House knew Foreman was out of sight, he ducked into an elevator and pressed the button for the top floor. He made his way out onto the roof and shivered briefly at the brisk December air. He hadn't been out here in a long while. Not since Stacy was her, if memory served. He exhaled deeply, puffing his cheeks slightly as he did. Stacy. God in Heaven, what a mess that relationship had made of him. He couldn't even look at another female without being reminded of her. Hell, after everything she did, he didn't _want_ to look at another female in that light.

It was such a paradox. He truly believed everything he said concerning the opposite sex, relationships, and caring about others and the cold, calculated facts of each. Yet at the same time, he knew exactly how full of sht every one of those opinions was. It was a delicate balance. One he was determined to keep balanced at all costs, no matter who or how much someone tried to tip the scales in favor of caring. He refused to become attached to someone again. His heart couldn't take it. Not again. Never again.

That was why Cameron's announcement had come as such a shock.

Back when he'd first worked with her, he had to admit Wilson was largely right. He'd had feelings for Cameron. Why else would he have cared how he looked, why else would he have been nervous when she'd cornered him into that date? He'd gotten her a corsage, for Christ's sake!

What destroyed any feelings he could have developed for her, though, was when he told her he thought she was interested in him only because he was "damaged goods." He deliberately said that, to bait her in return. If she jumped to the defense and told him that wasn't the case, how she liked him for who he was, there could have been a second date, and then who knows? Perhaps history as he knew it could have been altered. But she didn't. She stayed silent, her fingertips fidgeting around anything they could; the silverware, her hair, the nails on her other hand. And so House lost any interest in her because her silence told him he was right. He was damaged, she liked fixing people, therefore she liked him.

Not a good basis for a relationship.

That was why he was glad to find out she and Chase had become involved and gotten engaged. She had someone new to focus on, since despite what she claimed to everyone, he could see she wasn't over him when she was still single.

But then, after their case with the deformed kid with Lyme's disease, Cameron had come to his apartment.

"_Cameron? What are you doing here?"_

_"I'm off the clock and I needed to speak with you. Can I come in?"_

_He limped back, but tripped over the hem of too-long pajama pants and, without the assistance of his cane, felt himself starting to fall. Cameron reached out, grabbed his arm, and helped him regain his balance._

_"Do you want to lean on me?" she asked, her fingertips still lightly grazing the inside of his elbow._

_House swallowed, trying to make awake-ness come to his limbs. "No, I'm fine. What do you want?"_

_"I--" She paused, looking at the floor. "I wanted to speak with you."_

_He limped over to the couch and sat down, gesturing that she could do the same. "So speak."_

_Cameron went to the ottoman in front of the chair and sat on it. "House, the film crew that was making the documentary about that boy . . . They asked what I thought of you."_

_"And you've come to admit you said you hated me?" he asked in a fake, whiny, 'little boy' voice._

_Cameron closed her eyes in a way that made House think she was in pain. "No. Actually, I . . . I said I loved you."_

_He looked at her in such a way that she felt the need to backpedal and explain, just as she'd tried on the video. "W-what I mean is, I love working with you. _Loved. For _you. It just slipped out as loving you, and even though I-- Well, I thought that . . . I . . ." She glanced at him and finally exclaimed, _"Say _something!"_

_"What am I supposed to say? You're engaged to another man, yet you come here, wanting to tell me . . . what exactly? That you still have feelings for me, or that you don't, but you're hoping that'll spark some interest in me?"_

_She looked into his eyes, blatant emotional pain shining through her tears. "We're not engaged anymore. I broke it off."_

_That surprised House. "I'm sorry to hear that," he answered sincerely._

_She nodded, then stood up. "I should go. I shouldn't have come here."_

_"Cameron," he called when she was about to exit his door. She turned and looked at him. "Am I still just damaged goods to you?"_

_A tear escaped down her cheek as she answered, "The only one you're damaged goods to is yourself, House."_

* * *

You incompetent FOOLS! What are you doing to my _arm?_ I'm losing all _feeling_ in it!" Dick yelled as 13 tried to explain that she just needed a blood pressure reading.

Foreman entered the room and saw exactly Cameron had sent this lunatic up here for House to deal with. What he wished she'd considered, though, was the fact that House always avoided his patients.

"This is an abomination! I'm more of a doctor than you, and I just teach physics!"

13 finally threw her hands up in the air and said to Foreman, "You're up. No job is worth this, and you're already in."

Foreman sighed, wishing he could tell her she was wrong. He looked at the raging figure on the bed and smiled ruefully. Maybe this guy could give House a run for his money. It'd be fun to watch, in any case.


End file.
